Saturday, 24 April 2010

You should have seen the Bear !

Ah - Saturday !

Today I hauled my sorry rump out of bed at around 8.30 - that's a lie in by my standards and unusually 30% was already up, still pyjama'd, but up and standing in the garden drinking coffee with Jules. I probably need to assert that Jules is not some form of garden ornament but is a real person. Jules is a "frolleague" of 30% and very good company.

Last night 30%, Jules and I attended a St Georges Day evening down at the Local. A good time was had by all and there was a three course meal, a few G&Ts and much toasting of the Queen. The G&Ts necessitated a sleepover by Jules hence her being in the garden at 8.30 this morning.

The G&Ts resulted in a leisurely start to the day, a few odd jobs in the garden, a dog walk and Tyson and Marauder had a trip in to the local Canine Grooming establishment.

They do tend to get a bit shaggy - unusual for Staffies - so we pop down there when we are feeling flush and T & M get to read the latest copy of Heat Magazine while they are having a shampoo and set. On this occasion we also took Sell-by-Date for a manicure.

OK - I'm getting to the bear.

I've covered members of the family in earlier blogs and have made scant reference to the 1.8 cats that live with us. Now is time for their formal introduction. One is called Potato and 0.8 is called Eddy.

We have had Potato and Eddy for 4 or 5 years and like most cats they do what they want, when they want and barely tolerate us even though we provide shelter, veterinary care and food and do the most peculiar things to try to keep them happy.

I'll start with Eddy as you may be wondering why I refer to him as 0.8. A couple of years back Eddy decided to cross the road without looking and learnt that cars are harder than cats. I learnt that pet insurance is not as expensive as having several x-rays, a rear leg amputation and a second operation to remove a broken tail. Hence he is 0.8 of a cat aka "Eddy Percent" - say it aloud.

He has made a fantastic recovery and despite being "special needs" does not seem in any way impaired as he continues his life mission to kill and maim any rodent or bird he comes across. He has a kill rate on par with a Teenager plugged in to Modern Warfare on the X Box and God knows what he would be like if he was 20% more complete. I'm guessing that the local farmers are somewhat relieved, as are their cattle and sheep.

Eddy has obviously used up eight of his nine lives and consequently takes no cr@p from either Tyson or Marauder. He tells them that the injuries came from a fight with an escaped Kodiak Bear and they leave him well alone. Hence the title of this post. If he can be bothered to reply, when asked about his unfortunate predicament, his reply very much delivered in the style of Clint Eastwood is "You should have seen the Bear"

Potato, on the other hand, is completely different and is entire - actually he is not entire as we chose to have approximately 4% of him removed by the vet quite early on in his life, as we did with Eddy. Having typed this I may need to do some recalculations to come up with a more accurate figure of how many cats I have.

Potato is very easy going and consequently Tyson and Marauder make his life a misery by showing puppy affection for him. Fortunately Potato seems to have a limited understanding of "dog" and tolerates being rushed up to and sniffed with amazing patience.

Alternatively it could be down to his "habit" as he is a cheese based life form. He adores cheese. Potato's view is that milk is for kids and its the hard stuff for him - preferably vintage mature cheddar and plenty of it. I watch him each morning lurking as 30% knocks up a cheese sandwich for her lunch and if she doesn't provide him with a couple of pieces he'll take matters in to his own paws and just tuck in to her butty when she turns her back to get a sandwich bag.

Once "monged out", he slinks away to sleep off the cheese rush on whatever bed or sofa takes his choice. Camembert Dreams perhaps.

.... and, on that final note, for the pedants and mathematicians among you I will finally clarify that I have 1.72 cats.

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